Brandon Gilbert

Stop me if you’ve heard this before…

This past weekend, I took a trip with my two sidekicks, Daddy and Mommy. We went to a far away, exotic land called “Aldridge.” On the way back, we got stuck on an island. There was a monster made of smoke, but he kept to the other side of the island for the most part. There quite a bunch of people in the beginning, but as time went on, there were fewer and fewer people. There was a boat that came to the island, but then it left to go to the other island across the water.

I had a lot of people who wanted to spend time with me and get to know me. They were nice. Then we all started getting swept through time. We would spend time in the 90’s, 80’s, 60’s, and 50’s. We never stayed too long in one time, though. It was amazing how much we saw as we traveled through time.

It got more and more scary as time went by, though, and it was clear that someone would have to step up and save the island. Being a Super Hero, I of course volunteered to be the one to save us. So I decided to fight the Great Light in the Sky that seemed to be controlling everything. As our battle waged on, I became so sleepy that I just could not hold my eyes open. I’m not even sure what the Great Light in the Sky was doing to me.

Before I knew it, I was opening my eyes and we were back in our car driving towards home. I asked Daddy, “Was it real?” He said that everything that happened was real. I asked him, “what was that place?” He replied, “that was a place that was made so that we could all be together.”

Apparently I beat the Great Light in the Sky and restored everything to order…just like I always do!

TheBrandNewDad Epilogue: What had happened was… This past weekend we went down to Alabama for a family reunion of some of my extended family. This was the first time for Ryne to meet a lot of them. We went to the wrong place first where someone was grilling (i.e. burning to a crisp) some meat and there was a large black smoke column. We have a large family ,and they all passed him around and he had a good ol’ time hamming it up for the camera. He got to be there as some of the more, um, “distinguished” members of our family told stories of long ago. The most important part, was that he got to swim in the lake for the first time. Here’s a video:









In the end, the time spent in the sun proved to be too much and he got real tired. We decided that was our cue to leave. We put him in the car, and by the time we’d driven a mile to get to the park gate, he was already sound asleep. He had quite a time, and we all had a great time watching him. I love my little guy.

Great Sidekicks come around only so often. Great friends come around even less. So, imagine my horror and anger when my best friend, and keeper of my Super Hero secret was kidnapped right from my own base camp. Jimmy and I go way back. This was not only an attack on Jimmy, but it was an attack on me…and I took it very, very personally.

I searched the scene where he was taken. There was some kind of paralyzing agent sprayed on Jimmy to allow them to take him. I found the residue in the camp. I know they had to use it because Jimmy would never allow himself to be taken alive. I also knew immediately who had taken him: The Evil Dr. Daddicus and his Partner, The Baroness Mommy Von Milkstein. They’re always trying to take over the world. I have yet to figure out why they taunt me so much. I always win. At that moment I made the decision not to wait for any ransom demands, but to instead fly immediately to their Lair and get Jimmy out. He was going to be free and I knew I couldn’t sleep a wink until that happened.

I must admit that the thought did cross my mind that I was flying into a trap, and that they expected me to come right away, but I wasn’t worried. They aren’t the brightest villains in the comic book, if you know what I mean. Well, having said that, I was in for quite a surprise when I got to their Lair. They had moved it offshore and underwater.. There was no way to get to it except by a submarine, of course, unless you’re a super hero and you’ve got the friends I do. My friend Sally Seahorse (who is a fantastic singer) came to the surface, created a bubble for me to ride in, and then escorted me down to their Lair.

I busted in and searched until I found where they were holding Jimmy. Actually, they weren’t holding him at all. They were all having some tea as I walked in (prepared to kick some hiney). They apologized for keeping him so long and that he was free to go. I was very curious as to the nature of their visit, as this seemed all to easy. At that moment however , I didn’t care. I raced to hug Jimmy, thankful for his survival, then with the help of Sally we rushed back to the surface and back to our base camp.

Will RynoBoy find out the true nature of Dr Daddicus and Baroness Mommy Von Milkstein’s plot?
Will Jimmy remain the same friendly, care-free giraffe he’s always been?
Tune in next week. Same Rynoboy time, same RynoBoy Channel!

TheBrandNewDad epilogue: What had happened was… One evening last week, Ryne’s dinner didn’t completely agree with him, or it agreed with him too much. Either way, when I went to check on him in his crib before I went to bed, he had thrown up some of his dinner. He had avoided most of the catastrophe, having moved to a different part of the crib. Jimmy, however, didn’t quite make it. He was soiled, to say the least. Well, we had to wash him in the washer, but Ryne also had to be woken up so we could change his sheets.

I took Jimmy and put him in with the dirty clothes then went back to change his sheets while Jamie changed him. Then came time to put him back to sleep. Ryne doesn’t like to sleep without his friend Jimmy. It was hard to get him calmed down without his best friend around. So his other friend, Sally the Sea Horse sang him a song (which she does every night…Sally’s a sea horse that’s kinda in the same vein as a Glow Worm). And we comforted him as much as we could. He finally fell asleep…but the look on his face said he wasn’t happy about it.

The next day when Jimmy was finished being washed and dried, Jamie brought Jimmy for me to see if I thought he was clean and dry enough. Ryne was in the living room, and caught a glimpse of Jimmy. Now, he’s still not walking, but I believe at that very moment, he could have done one of those cheesy scenes of he and Jimmy running towards each other in a field. He kicked his legs, reached out his hands and started yelling (not crying or screaming, but kind of a whooping) for Jimmy. Jamie handed him to Ryne, and Ryne clutched Jimmy to his chest and squeezed him so hard, I would sware I could actually hear the thing wheeze. Ryne and Jimmy were finally reunited.

Why can’t we keep a friend like that as we grow up?

There are many things that are unknown about RynoBoy. That usually comes in handy when you’re in his line of work. There are many rumors going around, and he asked if I could take some time and go through the rumors and separate the fact from fiction.

Rumor: Superman wears RynoBoy pajamas.
Status: TRUE

Rumor: Before bed, the Boogeyman checks his closet for RynoBoy.
Status: FALSE (RynoBoy would never be that obvious)

Rumor:  RynoBoy can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Status: TRUE

Rumor: The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a RynoBoy Diaper Bomb. They didn’t even come close.
Status: TRUE (Just ask his Mommy or Daddy)

Rumor: RynoBoy does not own a stove, oven, or microwave because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Status: TRUE (Who would give these things to a baby?)

Rumor: RynoBoy does not eat. Food simply recognizes that the safest place to be around him is in his own body.
Status: TRUE

Rumor: RynoBoy is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Status: FALSE (Waldo would know hiding from Rynoboy is pointless)

Rumor: RynoBoy will never have a heart attack.
Status: TRUE (His heart is way too smart to try and attack him)

Rumor: Google will not search for RynoBoy because it knows you do not find RynoBoy, he finds you.
Status: FALSE (Searching for RynoBoy will give you several results, but you do have to search at your own risk)

Rumor: Aliens DO exist, they just know better than to come to a planet that RynoBoy is on.
Status: TRUE (Area 51 regularly sends out warning beacons)

Rumor: When RynoBoy does pushups, he doesn’t push himself up, he simply pushes the Earth down.
Status: TRUE (With all the earthquakes lately, we’ve asked him to slow down the pace a little)

These are but a few of the rumors going around about RynoBoy. I hope this has been enlightening to you so that you can know more about this little man. Feel free to share any rumors you’ve heard, and we will try to confirm them for you, or finally put them to rest…like all the people who have tried to fight RynoBoy.

Sometimes people ask me what it’s like to be a superhero baby in a world full of “normal” people. I try to stay humble because despite my superpowers, I’m just a regular guy. I can hang
out with the little people. To prove this point, me and my friend Jimmy went to downtown Nashville this past weekend to see the circus. It was amazing. They had Elephants, Tigers, Wildcats, Bulldogs (2 different kinds!!), Gators, Razorbacks, Gamecocks, Volunteers, Commodores, and Rebels. The animals morphed into Giants and then they played Quidditch like in Harry Potter… except without brooms. They were like 70 feet tall and threw a ball around and made it go through a hoop.

It was so very exciting. I didn’t know there were so many other people in the world with such awesome abilities. Yet here I was with dozens of people who could morph from animals into giants and fly! The Quidditch matches were amazing. For some reason, Jimmy and I were partial to the Red Elephants. They just seemed like the good guys, and they were from around where Jimmy used to live. Everyone was real good, and we cheered for basically everyone…except the Volunteers. They cheated by wearing this vile color of orange that no one could look at directly. It’s ok, though, because in the end, they were soundly beaten by the Wildcats. The turning point I believe is because everyone in the Quidditch Arena wore Blue to counteract that hideous orange. The final match pitted the Bulldogs from the state of Mississippi against the Wildcats and it was amazing!!! I was sure the Bulldogs were going to win, because everyone knows dogs are better than cats…Just ask my SuperHero friend, Dexter. This was a little different though, because these Cats were wild.

It was such a fun time. I didn’t have to fight off any bad guys and I got to watch Jimmy eat popcorn and Hotdogs until he turned green. Have you ever seen a green Giraffe? It’s almost as funny as a purple Iguana named Xavier. I firmly believe Nashville is the new Quidditch capital of the world!!!

Epilogue from BrandNewDad:
What had happened was… It was actually the SEC men’s Basketball tournament we watched. And it was actually watched in our living room, which is about 10 miles away from Bridgestone Arena. There was no actual morphing of animals into humans, although some of the humans might actually be considered giants. He did watch the games with Jimmy and seemed quite amused at some of the reactions Jimmy had to some of the plays on TV, although one wonders what reactions a stuffed toy giraffe is capable of. And we did cheer for everyone… except for that team in that hideous orange color. As for me, I was just happy that his eczema flare up was dissipating, although I did spend a litte time lamenting the fact that Alabama is so horrible in Basketball

So there I was once again in the lair of the evil Dr. Daddicus and his partner, the Baroness Mommy Von Milkstein. I had allowed myself to be captured in order to infiltrate their lair in hopes of discovering their evil plan to take over the world.

What I didn’t realize is that they knew I wanted to infiltrate them, and they made special preparations. They built special restraints so that I couldn’t go anywhere, and they decided to torture me and try to get me to talk, and to let them know how I was going to stop their plan.

I was in for the shock of my lifetime. It started after they had secured me in my cell. They brought in a syringe filled with a clear liquid. I asked what it was. Dr. Daddicus told me that I would find out soon enough. He took the syringe and placed it in my mouth. He started administering the drug. It was unlike anything I had ever tasted before. I was sure the taste was sweet, though I had never tasted sugar before. It was very pleasant and soon I wanted more.

This is how they were working their plan. The Baroness said, “does that taste good? Do you want some more? Just tell us what we need to know.” It was then I knew they were just trying to milk me for information. I told her, “I don’t like it enough to tell you anything. You can keep it. I’ll never talk.”

“I was afraid you were going to say that. I convinced Dr. Daddicus that we could get you to talk the easy way, but since you refuse to tell us anything, we’re going to have to do it his way….the hard way.”

At this point, Dr. Daddicus came into the cell holding another syringe filled with a bright green concoction that was almost lighting up the room because it was so bright. He grinned his evil grin, and said, “this will hurt….alot…”

As he started to administer the drug, I immediately began to shake and convulse. This was the most putrid concoction I had ever tasted. I thought briefly about biting off my own tongue just so I couldn’t feel the taste buds anymore. Again, they tried to get me to talk. I shut my mouth as tightly as I could, but they were able to force it open and they just kept pumping it in.

My will was strong however, and although I swallowed quite a bit, I was able to spit a good bit of it back out as well. I knew they were strong and determined, but I’m a superhero. I outlasted them in the end, and they finally stopped. It may have been because they were out of the liquid. In any event, I knew I had them beat…until I started getting very, very sleepy…

Will RynoBoy wake up without powers? Will RynoBoy wake up at all? Tune in next time. Same RynoBoy time, same RynoBoy channel.

Epilogue from BrandNewDad: What had happened was… Ryne is still battling pretty fiercely with baby eczema. Our doctor gave us an herbal supplement to give him called Bio Essence. It has to be crushed up and put in some breast milk for him, so we have to give it to him in a syringe. It smells terrible, so I am sure it tastes terrible. When we gave it to him, he spit a lot of it out. The doctor also told us to give him half a teaspoon of Children’s dye-free benadryl to help with the itching, so that he wouldn’t scratch and therefore his skin could heal. This is a big deal because we are so tired of having to put socks on his hands. We are also tired of having our otherwise healthy and happy baby boy have rosy cheeks and scaly skin. This regimen has worked quite nicely and his skin has cleared up sooooo much. The Benadryl tastes like bubble gum, and that’s a new taste for him because all he’s had to this point is breast milk.

As you can see from the picture below, he’s come a long way. On the left where he’s all red and puffy and miserable is from last Wednesday. The picture on the right is from just one week later. He feels better, which in turn makes Mommy and Daddy feel a whole lot better.

If you liked this post, or just if you stopped by, please leave a comment by clicking on the link at the top of this post. I’d like to know who reads.

We were on our way to the Warehouse on an undercover assignment. This would be our second meeting with the suspects. Our team consisted of me, the guy who calls himself “Dad,” and the cute one who calls herself “Mommy.” Our mission was to infiltrate disguised as family of the suspects.

We arrived early at the safe-house adjacent to the warehouse. This is where we met our contacts, “Papa” and “Nana.” These are some of my favorite contacts, because they truly care about us. They give us a good place to sleep and rest, and they feed Dad and Mommy. They also give me a lot of hugs, and despite my rough exterior and Super Hero status, I love hugs.

We did a little gameplanning at the safe-house and watched a little Alabama Football, which I also love to do (even in the midst of battle prep, the Crimson Tide remains important).

After the game was over, we headed to the warehouse across from the safe-house. As we walked in, I was ambushed. everyone flocked towards me, shouting “Ryne!” I yelled for my backup, “My identity’s compromised!” But all they did was hand me off to the various people in the house.

I didn’t know what to do. I set off a diaper bomb, but even that didn’t deter them. They just kept coming and coming, but then it hit me…they were all giving me hugs and kisses. I melted. I decided that if it was my time to go, what a way to go. I still was a little scared, after all, because there’s like a bazillion people there, and I live in my secret lair with only two other people.

At the end of the day, I was able to make my escape back to the safe-house with Papa and Nana. It was a rough day, and so I needed a good cry. After that I was able to go to sleep. That warehouse is rough, but this time was easier, maybe next time will be easier and we can finally get to the bottom of why all these people keep getting together at one place. It’s very suspicious.

Epilogue from BrandNewDad:

What had happened was… we went to my parents’ house for an early Thanksgiving get together. All my aunts and uncles and cousins on my Dad’s side all get together at my grandparents’ house, which is beside my parents’ house. While I am an only child, my extended family is gi-normous. I imagine this is a little overwhelming for Ryne, since he is usually around two people at the most, except for church.

This was his second visit to his great-granny’s house, and he did much better this time around. I’m sure that in time, he’ll not be bothered by all of the loud folks all around him. It only took Jamie a few years…

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There I was in the middle of a secluded island in the Pacific. I was on the trail of the evil Dr. Daddicus. He had been plotting world domination for some time. He wanted to steal all the baby wipes in the world so that parents would be thrown into a panic when they needed some and none were there to be had. I had to stop him. No one knows more than me the importance of a good baby wipe.

Dr. Daddicus has a lair in a cave on the island. I managed to slip through his EM (ElectroMagnetic) Shields and by his henchman undetected…or so I thought. I was about to close in on him when all of a sudden I was caught by huge hands and laid out on my back  in a cage behind bars. I was stretched out and they tried to immobilize me. The hands were trying to wrap me in a huge net. I fought back using all my powers. They spread some kind of substance onto my head. I can only assume it was meant to fight the genes in my body that give me my super abilities.

I kept fighting back and escaping the net. This was obviously frustrating them, as they cursing under their breath and telling me to just lay still. I couldn’t let them get me, though. I fought with all my might. Dr. Daddicus must have studied me somehow, though. Before I could even react, my body was wrapped in a cocoon of cloth, and finally they were able to wrap me in the netting, effectively immobilizing me after all. The substance on my head had sapped my strength was all I could fathom.

Will RynoBoy escape? Will he regain his strength? Will he stop Dr. Daddicus’ evil plan?
Tune in next time. Same RynoBoy time, same RynoBoy Channel!

Epilogue from BrandNewDad:
What had happened was…Ryne has cradle cap or baby eczema on his head. Jamie and I found some cream to put on it to help clear it up. We do this every other day. It seems to be working pretty well. One of the problems, though is to keep Ryne’s hands away from his head, because his hands immediately go to his mouth. To accomplish this, we wrap him in a blanket. As he grows a half inch every day, this becomes more and more difficult. He’s always been a good escape artist with the blanket, but now he’s A LOT more active than he used to be, so it’s virtually impossible to keep his arms still while we wrap him where he can’t get his arms out of the blanket.

Today it took me 5 times to wrap him in his crib before I could even walk away with his arms still wrapped up. However, when I got back just a few seconds later, he had them out already. At the end of my rope, I had to finally take his arms, put them inside of his shirt, and THEN wrap him tight with the blanket. I have never seen a kid that could neither crawl nor walk be so mobile.  But hey, it’s fun times…and my kid thinks I am an evil genius.

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On Tuesday night, we were invited to have dinner with some of the coolest people in the world, Jen and Jason McDaniel. We went over expecting to have a great time…because they are great people. And we did have a great time. Jason cooked a good meal, and we got to talk and watch the Big Brother finale. That was a big deal for me, because I’ve never seen a single episode of the show. We love hanging out with them, but little did we know that two universes would collide that night uniting two Super Heroes in one place at one time.

When we walked in the door, we were busying ourselves with greetings and pleasantries, and delivering the bad news that we had failed to bring a key lime pie we had promised because I had forgotten my wallet on the way. We were settling in to talking, but there was another conversation happening…one we knew nothing about.

When we came in, we were immediately greeted by Jason and Jen’s dog, Dexter. He knew right away that there was something different about our family, and it had to do with the little guy with us. He sniffed us and played with us, just to make sure, then when we sat down, he went back to investigating Ryne. Below is their story:

Super Dex: What are you? I can tell you’re different than the big ones.
Ryno Boy: I’m a baby.
Super Dex: I’ve heard of babies…but that’s not it…there’s something else. You have abilities, don’t you?
Ryno Boy: Yes, I do…how did you know that?
Super Dexter: Because I have them too…and I can tell when I meet someone else with superpowers.
Ryno Boy: What are your powers?
Super Dex: I have a very strong sense of smell. As a matter of fact, I could smell you when you were exiting off the interstate.
Ryno Boy: Well, I don’t know if that’s a superpower… one of my powers is the ability to disable my enemies with a terrible smell.
Super Dex: Oh…and I can hear really good. I can hear a storm coming from miles away. I can also bark tirelessly until my enemies simply give up so they can get away.
Ryno Boy:  I can do just the opposite with crying. I get whatever I want that way. If I’m hungry, if I’m uncomfortable in the slightest way, I just cry. The tall ones over there….they come running just so I will stop. It’s amazing really. I can tell they hate the crying, yet they will still run towards it like a firefighter to a flame. I use that to my advantage all the time.
Super Dex: What about your kryptonite?
Ryno Boy: My Krypto-who?
Super Dex: Your kryptonite…you know…it’s what hurts Superman.
Ryno Boy: Ahh, yes, my wekaness. Well, since you’re a fellow good guy, I can let you in. The main one is that I can only stay awake for maybe two hours at a time, and then I’m out like a light. And if I have to ride in a car, you can forget about it, I can’t keep my eyes open. Also, there’s these blasted arms. I can’t control them for nothing. I have lasers for my arms, but I can’t use them because I never know where they will shoot. I can’t have innocent civilians’ lives on my conscience. What about you?
Super Dex: Well, you can’t tell anyone what I’m about to tell you.
Ryno Boy: I’m two months old, Who am I going to tell? Hardly anyone speaks baby anyway. You would think people would have learned more over the years.
Super Dex: OK, first off, if anyone sits down and pets me and lets me get in their lap, well, I’m toast. I can’t help it, I just melt like butter. And then there’s the other thing…
Ryno Boy: What’s that?
Super Dex: It’s embarrassing…
Ryno Boy: I told you all my secrets. You can let me into your circle of trust.
Super Dex: It’s just that, well, you have that diaper thingy. You can go to the bathroom anytime and anywhere you want. I have limited space. I can only go outside, and then I have to search for the proper place to go. I can’t just go anywhere, and I don’t know why. I have to sniff around and find the perfect place. And don’t even get me started on the times when I can’t wait long enough for my tall people to get home and let me out. It’s just horrible. So, How many bad guys have you put away?
Ryno Boy: This is quite embarrassing actually, but none.|
Super Dex: None?
Ryno Boy: Well, it’s like I said before, I have no control over my arms. I can’t walk yet, and if I have to ride in a car to get there, I fall asleep and miss everything. What about you? How many have you put away?
Super Dex: Well, none for me, either.
Ryno Boy: None?
Super Dex: Well, I am limited to what I can do in this house. I’m locked in all day. But I can guarantee you that there have been no bad guys to get in here!
Ryno Boy: So, you’re basically a talented guard dog?
Super Dex: Why yes, yes I am! And darn proud of it! As a matter of fact, since you’re currently immobilized, I will just sit here and guard you.

And he did, Dexter curled up underneath Ryne’s bouncy seat and made sure no harm came to him. An epic meeting of two superheroes. It’s like Superman and Batman showing up in the same place. Casa de McDaniel will now forever be hallowed ground. (And did I mention that they’re awesome people?)

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