Brandon Gilbert

I remember that on Christmas 1987, the most wonderful thing in the world happened (well, at the time, at least). The Nintendo Entertainment Center came to my house. Yes, there it was in all its gray, darker gray, and black magnificence. I wanted to be Japanese, so that I could understand the Japanese games. I wanted to beat all the levels in Super Mario Brothers, but I couldn’t pass up warping through worlds to beat the game faster. Tetris gave me an appreciation for Tchaikovsky, who still remains my favorite composer.

As awesome as it was, Nintendo was incredibly simple. I sometimes wish that parenting could be as simple as Nintendo. Think of all the do-overs you could have with your kid if they had a game controller? As soon as the baby is out of the womb, you quickly punch in the old up up, down down, left right, left right, BA Start….and you’re golden! Your kid has at least 30 lives….but you’ll never really have to find out, because they’ll beat the game before then.

Today I was feeding Ryne and he obviously didn’t like what I was feeding him. I kept giving it to him, and he was eating, but in between every bite he was crying. I didn’t understand what his problem was other than he just wanted something else. Can you imagine how great it would be if every time your kid malfunctioned in this way that all you had to do was blow on them like a cartridge and then they worked like they’re supposed to?

Ryne also has a problem complying with my don’t-do-anything-awesome-unless-I-have-a-way-to-capture-it-for-posterity rule. If he does something awesome, you can guarantee that it won’t be while I have video or audio ready to capture it. Today we were having one of our “conversations.” I was saying, “Hey Buddy,” and he would say, “Hey Da Da.” During this, I would tell him, “I love you.” One time after I said it, I noticed he mouthed it back to me. I got real excited and said it again. He started playing again, and I just kept talking to him. Then without warning, he busts out in this deep, matter-of-fact voice with “I LOVE YOU DA DA.” There was no 50 syllables to get it out, no wasted time. He just said it plainly. Well, I hit the ceiling I was so excited. I immediately tried to get him to say it again….this time with my iPhone in hand to try and capture the moment. Alas, he has a technology radar and WILL NOT perform on command. When this happens, you literally have a “tree falling in the woods” scenario. There’s no record of it, so did it really happen? With a Nintendo child, you simply press the reset button until you get the desired result.

Unfortunately, there is no game controller for your kids when they’re born. Unless you join the NRA…then they come with the NES light zapper.